4 Humors of Political Horror

A friend of Andrew’s turned 40 this week and was holding a party tonight for the auspicious event. Within her list of rules, we were not to bring gifts. However, if we wanted to bring something ghoulish to eat or perhaps, dress up for the occassion, we were welcomed. I was too tired to dress, even after Andrew and I decided we needed to bring something wicked for her.

It was 3:30 in the afternoon when he realized we needed to bring a dish to pass. Yeah, right, like that’s going to happen now. He then brought up the option of a bottle of wine -well, at least we’d enjoy it. Additionally, it was Halloween and it was a milestone birthday for her, so why not make it a bit frightening -afterall, we do have fodder.

After 15 minutes of doing a little brainstorming in our alchemical lab and charging our talisman, we derived this gift of a bottle of wine with a label that reads:

4 Humors of Horror

Whole Label (click to enlarge):

Well, originally, we know that the theory of the 4 humors were the origin of medical science, and later, they were linked to personality temperaments, becoming the basis of psychology. For centuries, the life’s juices were:

• Red blood that flushed a person rosy, feverish, & sweaty
• Yellow bile that jaundiced flesh a carrot orange
• White mucus that originated in the nose and lungs
• Black formed deep within the body and indicated rotting organs

What are the 4 Humors of Polical Horror?

• Red Represents the Red States
• Yellow Represents Republican Cowards
• White Repesents the Official Color
• Black Represents the color of Republican Souls

Oral Traditions written by Andrew:
The Four Humors of Political Horror haunt the land every few millennia, stealing elections and bringing forced war and fiscal ruin wherever they rule. When attacked they respond by freezing while reading “My Pet Goat” and define an axis of evil to be their enemies (including those who “tried to kill their daddy”). In response they send inadequate forces of unprotected peasants to an insignificant land. Once in power they handsomely reward their friends with huge tax breaks and medals of freedom, defend their actions through lies and deceit and pay for it all by flaying the souls of the less fortunate (taking away their food stamps and healthcare, leaving children behind and making it almost impossible to recover from personal financial disaster).

Libby, Delay, Abramoff and Safavian – Indictments be damned for martyrdom is the price they must pay for blindingly supporting the Four Humors of Political Horror. – Hey guys, you’re on your own!

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Our friend Diana (& friends) was impressed and I was delighted as to how well it turned out. Then again, I am a sucker for aged parchment paper.

Would you buy this wine for yourself? How about for your friends?