Ever notice? A Day in the Life of Lisa

Ever notice in the movies that most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization?

Now where’s that welcome stick? I’ve got to go investigate that strange noise in my sexy lingerie while I’m saving the World from the invading alien civilization.

Now where’s that welcome stick? I’ve got to go investigate that strange noise in my sexy lingerie while I’m saving the World from the invading alien civilization.

  • Ever notice in real life appliances have a way of keeping their dire straights a secret to the user until it’s too damn late?

My precious workhorse of a laptop died late last week. I love my MAC. My MAC holds much of my prized intellectual property and I walk around the World with it like my security blanket. Immediately, I made an appointment for the local Genius Bar to help me w/my plight, although the next available slot wasn’t open until Sunday Morning -it was Friday Night. 48 hours without my treasure box was going to test my mettle.

Deep breath. I could get through this.

My plan was to finally get out into the yard and remove the growing spider webs, overgrown ivy, and wash the front of the house so that would eat 4 hours away from my black beauty. I could do this.

Ever notice in the movies, the plumber demos how well your faucet works?

  • Ever notice in real life any DIY project kit always requires a trip to the home improvement store?

Friday night, Andrew announced that he’s going to replace the kitchen faucet. Oy! Evidently, the telescoping hose from the former faucet had a nice long rip in the neck, leaking water into the dark, murky lair. Fortunately, we’re handy, more handy than we are ‘inclined.’ I wasn’t inclined to replace the faucet and Andrew wasn’t inclined to spend an hour under the sink, but the idea of finally having the beautiful Kohler brush nickled gooseneck faucet that sits against the microwave cart was the incentive.

That faucet almost got installed on my birthday, but I had to remind my inspired hero to sort his priorities. Sorting ‘fun birthday’ priorities from ‘gotta get done’ priorities isn’t as difficult for me as it is for him.

Now that we’ve seen Star Trek three times, I grant thee to go forth and conquer thy faucet woes.

Ever notice in the movies, you can always find a bathtub filled with cold and cloudy water?

  • Ever notice in real life that perhaps one should wonder why the tub is filled in the first place?

Over the course of a few weeks, another area of our lives was building momentum, not to mention water. I was growing weary of exercising my MacGyver moves on the plunger in my bathtub while shaven hairs swirl and float about my hobbit ankles. The tepid water peppers my back as I close the plunger, hoping the force of gravity will push the clog of wonder years out. Quietly reciting one one-thousand, two one-thousand, three one-thousand and I wonder why in the hell my cat enjoys jumping in after my shower, only to have his overzealous licking echo throughout the dank house.

Disgusting. There must be something missing in his diet.

And again, one one-thousand, two one-thousand, three one-thousand…

Ever notice in the movies, a women should investigate any strange noises in her most revealing underwear?

  • Ever notice in real life you catch your stumbling frazzled reality in the mirror while clumsily piecing together mysterious scattered sights and sounds?

The morning sun crests over the street through the azalea bushes, peaking through the dusty white vintage shutters that have been shoddily painted a number of times over the years. Certainly not by me. As the leaves of the star magnolia create a netting of the suns beams, the rays that manage to make their way through the shutters spray glimmers of dancing sparkles across the quiet master bedroom.

Errrrr Rawear! Rawear!! Hissssss, errrrr, Ra-EARRRRRRRRR!

Judas! Liquid contents that were resting peacefully inside my skull are now tossing back and forth like a violent ship at sea. What the hell is going on? My hobbit foot gets caught between the sheets as I struggle to break free and lumber onto the floor.

Ra-EARRRRRRRRR! Rawear!! Hissssss! Errrrr Rawear!

OMG. Stop. Let me catch up and help mitigate the situation.

That’s when I see it. Me… Medusa. Catching my stumbling frazzled Muppet head reality in the mirror, I decide to ignore the reflected she-devil as I reach for the dutiful welcome stick (ala baseball bat) to greet any unwelcomed visitors. Clumsily piecing together mysterious scattered sights and sounds, I discover Andrew standing at the ready between the dining table and the window, replacing the tipped chair to it’s upright and locked position. All three cats are poised and frozen like statues looking at one another, ready for the other to move so they can pounce like jackals.

This is where the speak softly and carry a big stick comes in handy. No, I would never take the bat to the cats, only to something or someone that was hurting my cats.

One flash of grey darkness runs across my path and hides under the canopy of chair seats and table awnings. Good, one secure, two to go. The window box that Andrew made for the cats now sits askewed from the window and wall, occupying Cheshire, one very angry, recently territorial pussy. Frozen with ears laid back, our ginger Wedgie, Chardonnay, peers up at Cheshire, daring the next move. As time stands still, I also view something else sitting still -on the window sill. A familiar, yet, very deaf white cat takes in the sight as clueless as a moth approaching a spider web.

Sigh. Time to separate the boys with soft words and slow movement to encourage separation.

Cheshire and Chardonnay leap at different angles, safely returning to their feline normality and Andrew and I comfort them until their anxiety has diminished. We discreetly coax white kitty to run away as we piece the corner of the house together; my head calmly begins to ebb and flow with the events.

Another deep breath.

To our good luck, the rest of the weekend fell comfortably in place:

  1. Apple was able save my files from my harddrive and replace my harddrive within the afternoon –free.
  2. Only one trip to Lowes to purchase an extension for the hose, keeping the chore under 1 hour.
  3. Clearing out the 8 year old hair clog wasn’t as gut wrenching or difficult as we anticipated.
  4. Reunited with my all time sexy favorite jeans at Macy’s (Only $24 each). The sales clerk told me I should become an ambassador to Macy’s because of my bubbly enthusiasm for said jeans.
  5. Discovered that the mirrors in Martin+Osa are very friendly -even making my butt look great.
  6. Rekindled my passion for Apple products through the effortless Snow Leopard install.
  7. And we concocted a new sinfully rich Chocolate Soy Frozen dessert that is Vegan friendly, fat-free, and cholesterol free.

Now where’s that welcome stick? I’ve got to go investigate that strange noise in my sexy lingerie while I’m saving the World from the invading alien civilization.

***Sinfully Rich Chocolate Soy Frozen Dessert Recipe***
This recipe requires the use of a Cuisinart Frozen Yogurt Maker (have your freezer bowls prefrozen before starting)

Ingredients:

  • 1 box of Soyatoo Soy Whip
  • 1T Vanilla
  • 1/4 Cup Hersey’s Syrup
  • 3T Hersey’s Cocoa Powder
  • 2Cup Soy Chocolate Milk

Directions

  • Wisk contents in cold metal bowl, slowly pouring as one wisks.
  • Pour contents into already frozen freezer bowl, turn on for ~25/30 minutes.
  • Enjoy as thick, cold pudding or store in containers and refreeze for later-in-the-day treat.

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